Discipline steps up as we prepare to get the boys

We had several adventures with the boys (as Nancy mentioned earlier) on Friday (01/09) and Saturday (01/10). We had Gabby (as well as Colin and Claire) with us both days to help with translation.

We are slowly (too slowly?) ramping up our discipline with the boys as we prepare to bring the, home with us. We don't want to do too much too quickly as we think it (the change in our response to them) will confuse them. But it is becoming more and more clear that we need to be more strict. This began in earnest on Friday.

Early in the visit Friday went well. The boys asked if I was better (having been home sick on Thursday) and asked if I had gone to the hospital. We had a good time playing games, especially perennial favorites "Stop - Go" and "Hide and Seek".

Ruslan brought his car in because it wasn't working. It turns out that the battery pack had been removed. He didn't know where it was. At first we thought that some other kid may have taken it, perhaps being jealous of the car or of Ruslan being adopted. That is still possible, but Natasha (when we spoke to her on the phone) suggested that a supervisor may have taken the batteries if Ruslan was making too much noise with the car (a distinct possibility. That toy is loud). No answer to that mystery yet.

Valik also brought his, and we set it up on the one outlet in the room to charge the battery as it was very low.

I had Ruslan teach me some Russian words and I told him the English equivalents. He definitely shows more interest in that than Valik. I think Valik's attention span is too short for that right now.

While I was doing that, Nancy was working with Valik on the 24 piece puzzle. That was the first time Valik did that. He apparently needed some help, but did pretty well. Valik came running out to the stairwell where Ruslan and I were talking. He was very proud and pulled me in to show me that he had completed the puzzle. I think Ruslan began to get jealous (he had done the puzzle the other day). He began saying that Valik must have had help and he couldn't do it by himself. Clearly, he was getting jealous of the attention Valik got (though we had praised Ruslan before when he did the puzzle).

After that, we played Candyland. Both boys like to deal cards to us now, even more than they like to play. We did "one potato, two potato" to choose who would deal. Valik won. Ruslan took a playing piece, but did not want to play. He just laid on the floor, but didn't seem too upset. Just like we have begun to do with Valik on several occasions, we let him know he is welcome to play, but ignored him as he lay there.

He got up to watch after a while, and saw me get 2 face cards in a row (Jolly and Princess Lolly for aficionados of the game). He began a big speech where he clearly was accusing Valik of cheating (both boys have stacked the deck before, but that was not the case this time). Ruslan would hear none of it.

He started yelling at Valik and said he was leaving. He put on his clothes. We told him we would like to play with him tomorrow if he behaves. He walked by Valik's car, and knocked it to the ground, breaking the cable for the charger in the process. We should have stopped him right then, but didn't. I said "Da svedaniya". I thought he said "Da svedaniya, papa" as he slammed the door. But Gabby told us he said, "Da svedaniya, cacatchka", meaning "Goodbye turds".

She had pointed out earlier that the boys were saying some mildly naughty words like that, as well as stupid and such. We also heard from Gabby that Ruslan told Valik we are only taking him (Valik) to America to kill him. It is a horrible thing to say. But I also know it is a rumor that goes around in the orphanages. The kids (and I have heard supervisors on some other blogs) say that people are adopting kids so they can sell their organs.

I guess it is jealousy that does that. We assured Valik that we love him and Ruslan and are going to take good care of him until he is all grown up. He got kind of quiet. It's just a matter of time of course, but we have to build trust with them.

We resolved to deal with that on Saturday.

In the meantime, Valik was enjoying his brother getting in trouble, I think. He really brightened up. Bruce called Gabby around then and Valik commandeered the phone (but see Nancy's earlier post "Trading Places" for that). But he was really well behaved after that.

After the visit, we resolved to get more firm with both boys and give them a good talking to, and to be a little intimidating as we did so, in the future. I hate to sound wimpy in all this, but when you are caught off-guard and can't communicate one-on-one being a strict disciplinarian is hard. Nancy and I agree though that I need to be the bad cop as that fits their cultural expectations better.

After we left, we went to the MacDonald's house to watch a movie. They have a projector for their computer so we were able to watch a 7ft diagonal movie. We saw "Flywheel", a film about a used car salesman made by a church in Georgia for $20,000. This was the same group that later made "Facing the Giants" and "Fireproof". Production values were not what you would normally expect, but for a $20,000 film were amazing. The acting (with the exception of the wife who was not very good) was at least as good as most TV sitcoms and several were much better. Also, the plot had several unexpected twists and turns. Really a pretty good film and quite enjoyable.

We borrowed "The Last Starfighter" from them and left them with "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" which they had not seen before(!!!)

We returned to see the boys on Saturday (1/10). We took Gabby with us and decided to see Ruslan first. Not as a reward for his bad behavior but to give him some special time and also to have a talk to him about his behavior. then we would send Ruslan off and play with Valik.

Ruslan came in all happy and we played with him for a while. He likes to wear my watch (and is very good about returning it, thankfully). We played Stop - Go. I also pulled out a really good Russian to English book that Disney put together. It shows a little cartoon picture with an English word, the pronunciation of the English word if it were written in Cyrillic letters, the Russian equivalent of the word and a sentence. It is quite good, and kept Ruslan's attention pretty well.

Ruslan liked the attention and burst into all his gymnastic feats. He likes to show off.

We also gave him a little Matchbox car to play with. He had fun with that for a few minutes, and then ran off to get Valik so he could have his as well. We tried to explain to him that we were going to play with Valik later, but he dashed off. In a way, it was nice that he wanted to share with his brother, but we were not happy that he didn't obey.

He came back 5 minutes later, and we gave him his lecture. I stood towering over him and told him that we love him, BUT, we were not happy with his behavior. he was being disrespectful and disobedient. He must listen to what we say and obey immediately. Our job is to keep him safe and we can't do that if he doesn't obey. He smirked a bit, but was also chastened. I made him look me in the eye. He didn't take it perfectly, but after that his behavior was pretty good, so I think it was effective. There will be a lot more of this. Probably every day for a while as we establish authority.

Valik showed up and we played more of the same. We played with the little cars, and Hide and Seek. We showed the language book to Valik. He was somewhat interested, but it didn't keep his attention for as long.

We also showed the boys how to juggle. They were marginally interested, but mainly wanted to play catch. After a few minutes, the director's assistant came up and told us we would have to play outside as the boys were too loud.

We got a sled and dragged the boys around for a bit. But after about 20 minutes it was too cold for the boys and we went back in, promising to stay quiet.

Both boys did the puzzle and we cheered for both. They are improving in their puzzle skills.

I carried Valik around on my shoulders and asked him various words. I asked him the word for cat. At first he said kohshka (the correct word). Then he tried to trick me by saying kakatchka (or something like that) which means turd. He thought I wouldn't know. I told him right out that those words are not allowed. He giggled and kept starting the first syllable. I caught him again and pulled him off my shoulders. And set him down on the sofa. He tried to get out, but I put him back. I gave him a lecture on bad words.

He stood up and pulled on his coat and stormed out. We decided to let him leave. After about 30 seconds, he came back and behaved well the rest of the visit.

So, as you can see, we are slowly ramping up the discipline. It is still less than they need, and less than we normally would do. But the amount they need would be too sudden a change.

And we are beginning to see the results. I think it will work. Their behavior is beginning to improve.